Glorious Day!

It is, indeed, a glorious day!! It's hot and humid and thick outside. I'm sitting at my desk where I don't want to be just now. People around me are grumpy.

BUT...I had a great night's sleep back in my own bed last night. Today is my Dad's birthday. And it was one year ago today that we received the official word that my cancer had returned/spread. Glorious?? You bet! Because here I am, going strong, and loving every day of my life!!

Our family weekend was, as Mary said, beyond description. It was so heart-warming to have all of the Breiters together (even with "flat Alex" representing the one missing nephew). I was exhausted by Sunday night...but it was a good exhaustion! And I'd do it all over again!!

Now we look forward to the coming weekend when Brian, Dominic and I make our way out west to Washington and Oregon. And we'll get to see a 3-dimensional Alex! I am soooo looking forward to this vacation. I haven't been in Seattle since I was pregnant with Dominic...almost 15 years ago! And then to spend some quality relaxation time with the Breiter/Pratts on the Oregon coast will be just what we need after the heat and humidity of WI in June. Awesome!

Let the glorious day continue --- and for all of you too!!

Mission: Accomplished

Well, I did it!

Last summer when I learned that my cancer had returned/spread I didn't know what that would mean for my future. I didn't have a clear understanding of my prognosis. So I made a very short-term goal of being here for Dominic's 8th grade graduation. And here I am!!

Next mission: to still be around four years from now to see him in his cap and gown and receiving his high school diploma. Poor Dominic...I got a little teary driving him to the graduation ceremony. He looked at me like I was out of my mind. I could just see him rolling his eyes at my sudden emotional breakdown. If I hadn't been on the verge of a major crying jag I'm sure I would have laughed then. I'm laughing now instead. Poor kid! Well, he's learning about the emotions of women. ha ha

What will my mission be following Dominic's high school years? Why, that would be our 10th wedding anniversary, of course!!

BRING IT ON!

Liver (no onions)

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted anything here! I guess with everything going on with Mom and some other matters, I just never sat down and typed. But here I am today...and with good news too!

Last week we did my regular blood draw before my infusion. Kidney functions looked good so we proceeded with the Zometa. However, two of my liver function numbers were way out of whack. So we scheduled a re-draw for one week later. As each day passed I started to worry a little bit more. By Wednesday I was incredibly nervous. I went in at 8am for the blood draw. At 2:30 when I left work for the day I called the clinic to see if they had my results yet. The nurse said the numbers had come way down since last week but were still slightly elevated. I wasn't sure what to think of that. So I got another call this morning and she said that Dr. Kumar looked at the numbers and said that since they didn't stay raised (or go any higher) that this is not something that's cancer-related. Several things could have caused the numbers to be so high (including any alcohol I may have had to drink the night before). So today I am walking on sunshine because my liver is looking good!!

Mom is getting around better all the time and it sounds like the physical therapy is doing the trick. I am soooo looking forward to having the whole family together this month! It just seems like it's been too long!!

And as if my day couldn't get any better, now my wonderful friend Kristi (aka KB) and I are planning a trip to New York City!

I am blessed.

Dates for your calendars

Here are some upcoming events that I would like to make everyone aware of...

Sunday, June 26, 2005: Picnic at our house! Mary, Scott and Aaron will be here from Oregon. We'll have a gathering to get all the Breiters together (and hopefully some Steckers too!) It will also be a belated graduation "party" for Dominic who will have completed eighth grade. Please let us know if you are able to make it!

Saturday, August 13, 2005: Rally For A Cure golf outing at Sunset Hills to raise money for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Always a fun time! Sign up sheets should be available soon out by Ed, or you can let us know in advance if you're interested.

Saturday, October 22, 2005: The American Cancer Society's Road America Walk/Run. (emphasis on WALK) The walk begins at noon. Always looking for new team members! If you're not interested in walking, fear not, I will most likely be hitting you up for a pledge. Here again, let me know if you would like to walk. This one is quite a ways off, but if it's on your calendar early it's easier to make the commitment. At least that's how it works for me.

Happy Sunny Sunday All!!

There are no words

A sister of a sister-in-law died this week. I didn't know her, but I know several members of her family. I don't even know any of them that well. But they're very kind people. They always ask about my health. They hug me like they know me well.

I think the fact that Wendy was only 44 years old made it an even more difficult time to spend at the funeral home. She is survived by her husband and two teenage boys. I shook their hands, I offered my sympathies. I wanted to say something healing and profound, as everyone does when they go through those lines. I wanted to say the comforting kinds of words that I would want spoken to Brian and Dominic if it were me laying in that casket. Nothing came. There are no words. I guess the mere presence of all those many mourners in one room has to "speak" the sentiments that have no nouns or verbs or adjectives or adverbs. There are so many interjections that come to mind, but somehow we deem them inappropriate at 'a time like this'. But first and foremost, in this impromptu English lesson, there is that one question word that looms so large...WHY? WHY Wendy? WHY now? WHY their family? WHY this way, so unexpectedly?

Wendy is fine. She's more than fine. She is living a glorious new life. When we die it is those who must continue on through life on this earth that feel the human pain. The sorrow is not for Wendy. The sorrow is for her family and friends. But I do feel sorry for Wendy in a way. Because she isn't here for the day-to-day living. She won't be here for major milestones in her sons' lives. If tears are shed in heaven, they must be shed over things like that. Things like knowing your son's heart is breaking because you aren't here for the birth of your first grandchild, for example.

Yes, our spirits forever remain within hearing range of those we love the most. But the communication lines between heaven and earth are not always as clear as we would like them to be, in my opinion. I believe that intuition is God whispering in our ear (much like conscience is). But you can't always trust intuition. That's due to static on the line. I'm sure the static is on our end though, never on God's end.

Where am I going with all of this? I don't know. I went to a stranger's funeral and it made me cry. That's not so unusual. But it used to be that when I went to a funeral I would personalize the event as to how painful it would be to attend the funeral of someone in my immediate family (parents, siblings, etc.). These days I find myself personalizing it as to how my own funeral may be.

That's all for now.
"May perpetual light shine upon her."

Monday, Can't Trust That Day

I wrote a pretty long blog entry this morning, but when I went to publish it the page wouldn’t come up and I lost it. Not good since I was already having a bad (read: weepy) kind of day. I didn’t want to be here at work but my friend Kristi (KB) pulled me through. Those are the best friends…the ones who help you without knowing they’re doing so, and with no extra effort on their part, just by being themselves. So I’m starting over with the blog now. I’ll copy and paste and not risk losing it again. But I won’t be able to say everything I said before.

I wish there was some way to predict the bad days. Or at least to pinpoint what might trigger the emotions. Today it was as simple as singing a song --- an upbeat song even --- but it still made me cry. And cry. And cry. I was 5 minutes late for work. The song was “I am the Bread of Life.” Kind of Eastery, so maybe that’s why it popped into my head in the shower. “I will raise you up. I will raise you up on the last day.” But it made me think of funerals. I can’t explain it, it just happens. I don’t have a fear of death. But I become overwhelmingly sad when I think I may die before I retire. Imagine all the things I’ll miss out on with all of you if that happens! I think most about how I’ll miss out on Brian and Dominic’s lives. Too much!

But then as the morning went on and Kristi and I had some laughs I started to feel better. And I thought back on what a wonderful weekend it was. Playing in Madison on Friday with Dominic and Sue and her kids was great fun! And yesterday, Easter, was beautiful. The sun was shining. Brian, Dominic and I went to church together and then to Brian’s mom’s house. We were the first ones there, just waiting for the crowd to arrive. And arrive they did! I love the noise!! I love the laughter and the conversation and the pervading feeling of family love. And I got to laugh some more on the phone with mom and dad once we got home. It was a very good day.

So maybe that’s it. Maybe I just crashed today after my Easter high.

The sunshine and warmer temps did not go unappreciated today though. Always easier to get over the blahs with a friend to make you laugh, memories of a wonderful Sunday and the sun in your eyes.

Headline News

I think I managed to get this link sent to everyone, but I'm not sure. By putting it here too, though, there will be a "permanent" place to check it out.

I had NO idea they would put this on the front page (or that they would use such an odd shot), but I'm pleased with the article. There were so many other things I said, but I understand that space is limited.

Here I am: http://www.wisinfo.com/sheboyganpress/news/archive/local_20105578.shtml

Marvelous March

Here I am again. At long last I'm back at the computer to post some "life" updates.

First of all, I must apologize to anyone who may have checked in looking for information on my last blood draw and the tumor marker results. I am pleased to report, however, that the number was actually down slightly. It's still up in the 50s (with below 30 being "normal" range) but at least it's not back up in the 80s!

Secondly, I must tell you that Brian and I had a fabulous time in Mexico!! It was beautiful and relaxing and we very easily grew accustomed to "Mexico time" which means not watching a clock or being in a rush for anything. The sky was blue, the beaches were white, and the drinks were cold. We loved every minute of our time together.

We had a portrait done while down there. It turned out quite beautifully, if I do say so myself. I must admit that it was the one and only time while we were down there that I really gave any serious amount of thought to my cancer. One of the many people who stopped to comment, while we were doing our sitting right there in the lobby, said that it would be something wonderful for our grandchildren and great grandchildren to have. But my thought was that I hoped it would be something that Brian would be happy to have if my cancer should take me away from him. I was almost teary thanking the artist's wife because I truly appreciated them making this opportunity available to us. (now we just have to get it framed and hung)

Dominic got over his pneumonia and moved right on to wrestling. He's doing exceptionally well for his first year and has pinned a number of his competitors. I'm handling watching him much more easily than I would have guessed. But I haven't seen him in too many awful holds yet either.

Last weekend we stayed in an enormous condo at The Wilderness in the Dells with Sue, Kathy and their families. We had a lot of fun. I just love being around all those kids and listening to them talk and play and getting hugs from them. And Owen's smile is so incredibly contagious. This has become an annual event for us. I'm not "allowed" to go down the big tube slides anymore, but the wave pool and lazy river were great, as was the indoor/outdoor hot tub. I still managed to get plenty pruney myself!

This week brought the first day of spring and Sunday is Easter. New life!! I'm ready to shake off the cold of winter and embrace the warmth of spring. I didn't have a single hotflash or headache while in Mexico. I think that's a sign that I'm not a winter kind of gal.

Bring on the sunshine! Easter blessings to all of you, my beautiful family and friends!!

"Lucky" number

I called this morning and got the results of my blood test and my tumor marker has actually dropped a couple of numbers, so that's a good thing! It's still a little higher than we would like, but it's not totally out of control. That put us in fine spirits for heading out of the country! (not that we needed any help with that)

A photographer came by the office today to take my picture for the article in the Press. I was nervous, but he was great and I think it went ok. Now I'm nervous about the final photo selection. I don't have any say in that.

I don't think there was anything else I wanted to cover today. We'll try to bring back some warm temperatures and sunshine next weekend.

Viva la Mexico!!

Press-ing news

Sheboygan Press, that is. There was an article in the paper last week looking for people to respond for the newspaper's "annual report." The theme was "Firsts" and there was a long list of subheadings. One of those was First Chemotherapy. Something in me clicked and I decided to respond. I sent off an email that told of my first day of chemo and how Brian and I got through it. The woman who replied told me it was eloquently written. And so we got together today and she interviewed me over lunch. The article will appear in the Sheboygan Press either March 20th or 27th. I didn't feel I did a very good job saying what I wanted to say, but she was wonderful, and I'm now curious to see what she writes. It sounded like she was interviewing only three of us to include in the chemo portion. For those of you who don't get the paper, I'll hopefully be able to send you a link if/when it's online. I don't know if what I wrote will be included or not, but I'll share that with all of you as well.

Dominic is feeling well and back in school this week and has his first wrestling meet this Thursday. Yikes! I'll try to be strong.

Brian and I are getting excited about our trip to the Riviera Maya in Mexico (just south of Cancun). We leave this weekend and so the work week is dragging unbearably.

Tomorrow is another infusion of the bone strengthener. We're also going to re-test my blood and see where my tumor marker number is at. I don't know if I'll have those results before we leave the country or not. Part of me thinks I'd rather wait until our return, but part of me wants to know right away. If I learn anything on Friday I'll be sure to fill you in!

Lymph Nodes

Funny how the term 'lymph nodes' can cause such fear in me now. Dominic has been hacking away with a cough for about two weeks now. I had to take him in to the doctor to try and get rid of this. I was fine the whole time we were there...almost. Even when the doctor said he has pneumonia I didn't freak out or become overly concerned. In fact, I think I kind of expected it. BUT---when he showed us the x-ray and where there were some lymph nodes that looked funky, my heart skipped a beat. I know lymph nodes can become inflamed when a person is sick. I know what their general purpose is. But they will always scare me. How many years ago did I first learn what a lymph node even was? Jerry? Are we looking at 20 years now since you had your cancer? To me there will forever be the link between lymph nodes and cancer. My lymph nodes were clean when I had my lumpectomy, but still my cancer came back. So....were they really clean?? or are these cancer cells so tricky that they can hide or disguise themselves?

Anyway, Dominic is resting comfortably and for that I am overwhelmingly grateful. I have always said that the thing I am most thankful for is that it is me who has the cancer and not Dominic. It's too hard to watch your children be ill. Sorry mom and dad...if I could spare you the heartache of my disease I certainly would!!

I didn't realize how stressed the events of this day made me until I sat down here to write about it. My boy is sick. Please say a little prayer for him so he gets over this thing quickly...and so his lymph nodes get back to normal.

And say a little prayer for Brian too. Today is his birthday!!

Here I am!

Hmmm...looks like I may have actually got this thing going. I'll be playing around with it a little first to get things the way I want them so it's easy for both you and me to read and use. Then it's just a matter of getting myself in the habit of posting. I like the idea of having a place for all of us to "connect." I hope this works!